Is it Better to Do Right or Be Right?

 

A common question that comes up in sessions with parents is “Do you want to do what is right, or be right?”  This might seem like a simple question.  Some might even ask, “Can’t I do both?”  As a parent, you can actually do all the right things, and still miss the mark if your teen thinks it is more important for you to win than to avoid hurting their feelings.  Winning every argument can mean you lose your child’s respect.  When this happens, your child may not look to you for help when they actually need it and may distance him or herself from you in the future.  

 

Yes, we do sometimes disappoint our kids.  And often that is good.  In our world, they won’t always get their way and it may even be dangerous.  While a lot has been said about raising our child’s self-esteem, one of the easiest ways to solve this problem is to show respect for their feelings and wishes. That doesn’t mean you always do what they want.  But you can listen and consider their input and their feelings.  It is possible they have an even better solution than you do.  After all, they take after you, and they have the most at stake in the outcome. You may want to ask yourself, am I making this decision regarding my child because I want him or her to do a certain thing, or because it is actually good for him or her.  For instance, a mom may want a girl to continue dancing even though a girl isn’t motivated to continue.  The mom may enjoy the time off or be excited to see the recital and how much her daughter has learned.  Maybe the mom loves dance, but the daughter doesn’t.  Yes, kids need to learn to follow through with their commitments (they may need to quit at the end of the season after the recital).  But it is fine to quit if they are really not enjoying it.  Sometimes a little research can even solve the problem.  It may be that a coach yells a lot, or there is bullying going on.  

 

If we do not respect our kids wishes most of the time, they will learn respect is not a value worthy of pursuing. They also learn that they are not worthy of respect. Remember, it is much better to lose the battle and win the war.  Next time you are in an argument with your teen, ask yourself, what if I listen to their opinion and really consider it?  None of us has all the answers, and it is good to model that for your child because this is a truer view of our world.  The parent always has the choice to have the final say, even if he or she decides to think it over first.  

Anti-Crazy COVID Holiday Prep

      by Helen WIlliamson Elliott, MS, LPC

  

1. Minimize buying things,  Can you repurpose, reuse, reduce, create what you need, or ask for others to help?  If you have to buy things, try to shop small businesses.  (This can go for shopping for gifts as well.)  **My sister and I combine gifts for family often. For instance, I will buy a gift card from Men’s Wearhouse for Dad and she will get clothes from Pyramid Collection for Mom (we discuss how much each wants to spend.)
2.  Plan extra time to clean before and after, decorate and shop for food.  Let others help you.  This can be a fun tradition as well.  Assign appropriate jobs to different people in the house.  Play music and enjoy it!   **I used to clean up much more back in the spring, but I have relaxed it a bit since COVID is here to stay for now.
3. Don’t make menus too elaborate, but do allow others to assist.  Making too many dishes/snacks can wear you out and cost a lot.  You can’t please everyone. Decide what you want in plenty of time and stick to it. Don’t try new recipes on your guests.  They may fail.  Shop at least by the day before and plan in time for an extra trip in case you forgot something (add an hour just in case). If you want to allow others to choose the menu, give them a deadline to tell you and stick to it.  If they want to add something, it’s their baby.  Do as much as you can before so you can spend time w/guests.   
4. Tell people more details.  People are on different levels of comfort regarding COVID19 protocols.  I’ve heard it described like this:  There are 5 levels of greetings- air hug or wave, foot  touch, elbow touch, fist bump, and handshake.  I would add the hug, but they are few and far between!! Obviously, people are at different levels of comfort with touch and proximity.  You will want to see how much you can accommodate others, but don’t feel you have to completely turn yourself inside out either.  Outdoor- open air is good, but it may be cold.  Plan for wind.  Disposable plates, plasticware and hand sanitizers are a good idea too.  See if you can get individually wrapped plasticware.  Be sure to have plastic gloves available for those serving if appropriate.  If you can package things individually, do so. Don’t take refusals personally- times will change and they will adjust.  Some will still be ok with a bit of discomfort/uncertainty, and some will not.  This is their issue, not yours!  Invite those who will come!  
5.  Don’t promise too much.  Do you really want to do this?  What is the reason you are doing this?  Do you enjoy it, or do you think others expect you to do this?  Can others help you more?  (especially kids?)  Maybe you can make a deal with them.  

** Remember, Every promise you make denies other choices, like time with family or friends, fun activities, or self care.  Promises to yourself are equally valid.  Also, consider the calendar- are there too many activities stacked up together?  Maybe the less important ones can be dropped or postponed.  Remember to call restaurants ahead of time to ask if they are open that day, what the seating is like, if there is outdoor seating, if there are menu restrictions, and if they do carry out or delivery Remember, even Norman Rockwell, who painted ideal situations painted a famous painting with Ruby Bridges going to school with guards surrounding her little body.  His time wasn’t perfect either with pictures spanning from 1916 (before WWI, during the Great Depression, WWII, and the race riots of the 60s) to 1963.  Focus on the time with others, not perfection.

1. Define what is non-negotiable:  For example, do we have to do the Santa visit, or is that just something grandma wants?  Do we need family pics, or can we photo shop them into a Christmas card?  Do I need to mail a Christmas card to everyone, or can I hand them out at a party (and why do I want to send them)? Am I getting my purpose met, or an expectation from others?  

**Activity- prioritize 3-5 activities and why they are important to you.  

1. Make a list of activities/chores and place it on the calendar.  Make sure to honor your promise to yourself and follow through.  For example, when to make the card, when to have them mailed by, when to shop (I recommend starting in October or before to spread out the shopping burden).   

Michael Hyatt tips: (from his book, Free to Focus)

1.Delegate, eliminate, and automate anything you don’t have to do. 

    (Do the tasks in which you shine!!)  

2. Put tasks together so you don’t have to shift your mindset. 
3. Make templates for repeat tasks.  (cards, recipes, emails, etc.) 
4. Create and maintain schedule boundaries.  (tell others you can’t right now or call them later.)  Others’ crises are not our crises.

 

1.  Shopping:  Start with a list of what you want to buy (I prefer the phone over paper since it is always with me).  For instance, Jen- Starbucks card, Diane, Clothes from Boston Proper, Dave- Amazon card or button up shirt, Garrett- Amazon Gift card, birthday-clothes since it’s also his birthday, etc.  You can star items once you get them, or change them if you change your mind.  A few in my family make wish-lists, so I try to make mine the weekend after Thanksgiving to give them time to shop.  Try to get online purchases done  the first week of December since even rush orders can be late.  
2. Self Care:  Stay positive. Am I overlooking my needs for everyone else?  Am I exercising?  Am I getting the sleep I need?  Am I eating too much junk just to be nice?  Am I making food that people love, or just me?  (it’s OK if you want to eat it, but you want to be clear about who it’s really for.) Am I in a rut due to easy patterns (ex:  Netflix)? Am I meeting my spiritual needs/desires?  (i.e. going to certain Christmas services to renew).   Don’t wait too late to shop and then you have no time for fun.  
3. What brings you joy?  (This is part of self care too!).  Listen to Christmas music, light candles, go see the lights, decorate the house, decorate or make cookies if this lifts you up.  If not, let others do it!  There is only so much time until the season is over.  Make sure to use the time well.  Once the season is over, you don’t want to regret missing the important occasions or be too stressed to really enjoy it.  One thing that really gets me in the mood is a good choral performance; shopping hardly ever does!!  

** Enjoy the chaos; feel the love!!  

Things to Expect in Online Counseling

While counseling may not be a new experience, for many, online counseling services are.  Your counselor will give you a link, and you go to the website and enter your name and then the system will put you in the waiting room.  When the therapist is ready, he or she will click on your name and the session will begin. Note that the therapist may wear headphones so no one else near him or her can hear what you say.  In addition, the website should be encrypted and HIPPA compliant to insure privacy. Furthermore, the session will never be recorded unless the therapist asks you to sign a form (for instance to train new therapists). 

Another aspect of confidentiality is the space where you choose to sit for your session.  You may want to go to another room where others cannot see, listen in, or get involved in the conversation.  In addition, the ambient noise in your home, or choice of place to have your session, can make it hard to hear at times.  

One thing that may vary from person to person and therapist to therapist is the connection speed. This depends on each side of the computer connection, and the usage levels at the time of the session.  Sometimes, in some places, a phone connection may be better than the computer or i-pad connection.  

When it comes to writing, your therapist may ask for your email to send you handouts related to your session.  He or she may also hold something up to the screen for you to see. Please let the therapist know if you cannot see it.  Things show up best pretty close to the camera and in good light.  

If the connection is lost, see if you can go back to the waiting room.  If you can see, but not hear, or vice versa, write a message in the chat (on the bottom right in doxy.me).  Then the therapist can help you fix it. It is always good to check to see if the camera is on and the mute is off.  

Online payment can be done a few ways.  The easiest way, and most secure, is to give your credit card numbers over the online session. Then the therapist can choose to save the information, or not for your privacy.  The therapist can mail you a receipt if you choose. One other way to pay the therapist is to mail a check to him or her. Paypal and Venmo are other potential options. Some websites even allow you to pay online. 

Finally, be aware that the therapist cannot see you as well as in person (body language is harder to see.) If something you are talking about in session makes you uncomfortable, please tell him or her.  It helps the therapist to understand you best, and make the best possible experience.  

 Is your teenager bullying you?

This problem is much more common than you think.  Just think about it.  Our world advertises that everyone should have everything they want, and yesterday is just soon enough!!  The common wisdom says we should give our kids everything they desire.  But is this the best message to send them?  Our kids also know how to argue like a lawyer.  They see examples of it on sitcoms and advertisements.  To their way of thinking, it is easier to argue than do what we ask, for example, clean up their rooms.  And why should they? It’s not on their agenda. Their rooms have everything they need.  “Ground me to my room?!  Awh gee!!” (no problem, I have a phone, a computer, video games, and all the toys/gadgets I need.  I only have to come out for food/restroom).  What incentive is there to follow the rules? Even school has no appeal for them.  There are people there just trying to annoy them and make them work.  If they need help, it is often hard to get since the teacher has to focus more on behavior issues these days.  And the consequence of this lack of effort often takes several days to catch up to them. 

So, what can be done?  The answer is simple and hard to implement, but very powerful once put into place.  Quid pro quo- simply put, this for that.  If you assume that the teen doesn’t care about what we want (and often this is the case due to immaturity), you can arrange the environment to get the important things done first.  “Want to play video games?  Of course you can AFTER your room is clean.”  (You might want to put the video games in the living room so you can enforce this.) Want to go to a party, Sounds good.  FIRST I expect you to finish your homework and wash your clothes. (make sure the list of chores is a reasonable length.)  “Want me to take you to McDonalds?  I really don’t feel up to it since you insulted me earlier.  Try again in two days.”    

No argument is needed.  If the teen follows you to argue, find a way to get him to stop.  Pick up the phone to call a friend or relative (warn them you are going to do this).  “Hi Betty, I was just wondering how your mother is doing…”, go to the restroom (and close the door), get in the car to go to the convenience store (alone), etc.  The longer the argument, the more the teen believes he can get you to give in.  Simple emotionally supportive statements can help.  “I’m sorry you feel this way.”  or  ”I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” are good no answer –answers to their complaints. 

Parenting is tough, but understanding what the problem is will lead to the correct answer.  Finally, don’t beat yourself up if this is going on in your house.  Kids learn these bad behaviors from all over, including family.  Just commit to change your response (both parents) so you can get things back under your control; where everyone will feel better.