How Accepting Criticism Makes Our Lives Better

 

Nobody likes to be corrected. We like to feel that we are in charge and everyone looks up to us.  But realistically, we know that is often not true.  Even if they do, sometimes, we know that we are not being completely honest, allowing others to believe we have all the answers. What is ironic is that it is unfair to ourselves to expect to know everything about everything.  It is not embarrassing at all to go to a doctor for advice or allow a pilot to decide the course of the flight.  But many times, we expect ourselves to know things we have not had time or desire to study.

Everyone knows something about something!  That being said, allowing others to teach us something is good for both of us.  Many times, youth have the advantage over adults when it comes to social media, video games, and computers.  There is a reason for that!  They use electronics all day long as a matter of course.  Even a two year old knows what he likes and who he trusts.  When we allow others to teach us things, we show faith in them and they feel good about helping us.  We also learn more about them and what is important to them, building the bond between us.  In addition, we learn something from someone who knows more in that area and that significantly shortens the time it takes to learn a new concept or skill.  

Over the long term, accepting criticism can really help us to grow.  If others feel we won’t listen to them, then we may inadvertently close a door to further knowledge, and perhaps a closer relationship as well.  They will consider it a lost cause and not share what they know.  This is the real loss.  Our opportunity to grow is no longer there.  

One additional advantage is that it is good for our egos to not always be stroked.  Sometimes we jump to conclusions about knowing the answers too soon and make mistakes.  Furthermore, we may risk hurting the feelings of the one who actually has the right answer.  Assuming we know the answer sends the message that we care more about being right than we care for them.  Besides, lying to ourselves is not helping anyone.  

Therefore, learning faster, learning humility, and steady growth really make the case for learning to accept criticism and teaching from others.  Incremental growth is the biggest plus in accepting criticism.  Over time, one’s personal growth has no limits, and others will see you as a kinder person overall. 

When does a parent have to win the battle?

 

As a parent, winning is not always the goal. To teach respect, one has to show it to others. If you win, but disrespect the child, there will be a problem with the child trusting you after that confrontation.  But for some battles, it is critical for the parent to win for the child to win in the long run. If the child/teen is trying to do something that is dangerous, for example, skateboarding on a busy street, giving out personal info to strangers, or using drugs, the parent must interfere. This could also mean getting help for a child with depression who doesn’t want it, or denying a grandparent certain privileges if they have shown they are unreliable or won’t respect the parent’s wishes.  It could also mean getting an anxious child back at school or out doing activities when they are hesitant due to reasons not related to bullying.  

 

One way to accomplish this is to make a deal with the child or teen.  For example, I know you don’t want to get off the video games, but you haven’t been out to play for several days.  You can have 2 hours of uninterrupted play AFTER you spend an hour outside with your friends. (This may require confiscating the coaxial cable or video game or even the TV)  Or, I will take you to DQ AFTER we go to see a counselor (or get your nails done after 4 sessions).  

There are many times a young person may not want to do what they need to- it is scary, hard, or boring, or keeps them from doing what they want- which (like video games) left unchecked could cause them harm.  Even though they can usually argue like a lawyer, they do not have the experience or maturity to make adult decisions or always make the best choice.  While allowing a child to participate in the big decisions about their life is important, these situations that could cause long term harm are critical and the parent must have the final say.  Therefore, a parent should use every tool at his or her disposal to guide their teen or child to a safe, reasonable solution.  This means at times the parent will be unpopular with their offspring.  But the child will recognize they were well cared for in the future, and the parent will rest easy knowing they are safe.

Is it Better to Do Right or Be Right?

 

A common question that comes up in sessions with parents is “Do you want to do what is right, or be right?”  This might seem like a simple question.  Some might even ask, “Can’t I do both?”  As a parent, you can actually do all the right things, and still miss the mark if your teen thinks it is more important for you to win than to avoid hurting their feelings.  Winning every argument can mean you lose your child’s respect.  When this happens, your child may not look to you for help when they actually need it and may distance him or herself from you in the future.  

 

Yes, we do sometimes disappoint our kids.  And often that is good.  In our world, they won’t always get their way and it may even be dangerous.  While a lot has been said about raising our child’s self-esteem, one of the easiest ways to solve this problem is to show respect for their feelings and wishes. That doesn’t mean you always do what they want.  But you can listen and consider their input and their feelings.  It is possible they have an even better solution than you do.  After all, they take after you, and they have the most at stake in the outcome. You may want to ask yourself, am I making this decision regarding my child because I want him or her to do a certain thing, or because it is actually good for him or her.  For instance, a mom may want a girl to continue dancing even though a girl isn’t motivated to continue.  The mom may enjoy the time off or be excited to see the recital and how much her daughter has learned.  Maybe the mom loves dance, but the daughter doesn’t.  Yes, kids need to learn to follow through with their commitments (they may need to quit at the end of the season after the recital).  But it is fine to quit if they are really not enjoying it.  Sometimes a little research can even solve the problem.  It may be that a coach yells a lot, or there is bullying going on.  

 

If we do not respect our kids wishes most of the time, they will learn respect is not a value worthy of pursuing. They also learn that they are not worthy of respect. Remember, it is much better to lose the battle and win the war.  Next time you are in an argument with your teen, ask yourself, what if I listen to their opinion and really consider it?  None of us has all the answers, and it is good to model that for your child because this is a truer view of our world.  The parent always has the choice to have the final say, even if he or she decides to think it over first.  

Anti-Crazy COVID Holiday Prep

      by Helen WIlliamson Elliott, MS, LPC

  

1. Minimize buying things,  Can you repurpose, reuse, reduce, create what you need, or ask for others to help?  If you have to buy things, try to shop small businesses.  (This can go for shopping for gifts as well.)  **My sister and I combine gifts for family often. For instance, I will buy a gift card from Men’s Wearhouse for Dad and she will get clothes from Pyramid Collection for Mom (we discuss how much each wants to spend.)
2.  Plan extra time to clean before and after, decorate and shop for food.  Let others help you.  This can be a fun tradition as well.  Assign appropriate jobs to different people in the house.  Play music and enjoy it!   **I used to clean up much more back in the spring, but I have relaxed it a bit since COVID is here to stay for now.
3. Don’t make menus too elaborate, but do allow others to assist.  Making too many dishes/snacks can wear you out and cost a lot.  You can’t please everyone. Decide what you want in plenty of time and stick to it. Don’t try new recipes on your guests.  They may fail.  Shop at least by the day before and plan in time for an extra trip in case you forgot something (add an hour just in case). If you want to allow others to choose the menu, give them a deadline to tell you and stick to it.  If they want to add something, it’s their baby.  Do as much as you can before so you can spend time w/guests.   
4. Tell people more details.  People are on different levels of comfort regarding COVID19 protocols.  I’ve heard it described like this:  There are 5 levels of greetings- air hug or wave, foot  touch, elbow touch, fist bump, and handshake.  I would add the hug, but they are few and far between!! Obviously, people are at different levels of comfort with touch and proximity.  You will want to see how much you can accommodate others, but don’t feel you have to completely turn yourself inside out either.  Outdoor- open air is good, but it may be cold.  Plan for wind.  Disposable plates, plasticware and hand sanitizers are a good idea too.  See if you can get individually wrapped plasticware.  Be sure to have plastic gloves available for those serving if appropriate.  If you can package things individually, do so. Don’t take refusals personally- times will change and they will adjust.  Some will still be ok with a bit of discomfort/uncertainty, and some will not.  This is their issue, not yours!  Invite those who will come!  
5.  Don’t promise too much.  Do you really want to do this?  What is the reason you are doing this?  Do you enjoy it, or do you think others expect you to do this?  Can others help you more?  (especially kids?)  Maybe you can make a deal with them.  

** Remember, Every promise you make denies other choices, like time with family or friends, fun activities, or self care.  Promises to yourself are equally valid.  Also, consider the calendar- are there too many activities stacked up together?  Maybe the less important ones can be dropped or postponed.  Remember to call restaurants ahead of time to ask if they are open that day, what the seating is like, if there is outdoor seating, if there are menu restrictions, and if they do carry out or delivery Remember, even Norman Rockwell, who painted ideal situations painted a famous painting with Ruby Bridges going to school with guards surrounding her little body.  His time wasn’t perfect either with pictures spanning from 1916 (before WWI, during the Great Depression, WWII, and the race riots of the 60s) to 1963.  Focus on the time with others, not perfection.

1. Define what is non-negotiable:  For example, do we have to do the Santa visit, or is that just something grandma wants?  Do we need family pics, or can we photo shop them into a Christmas card?  Do I need to mail a Christmas card to everyone, or can I hand them out at a party (and why do I want to send them)? Am I getting my purpose met, or an expectation from others?  

**Activity- prioritize 3-5 activities and why they are important to you.  

1. Make a list of activities/chores and place it on the calendar.  Make sure to honor your promise to yourself and follow through.  For example, when to make the card, when to have them mailed by, when to shop (I recommend starting in October or before to spread out the shopping burden).   

Michael Hyatt tips: (from his book, Free to Focus)

1.Delegate, eliminate, and automate anything you don’t have to do. 

    (Do the tasks in which you shine!!)  

2. Put tasks together so you don’t have to shift your mindset. 
3. Make templates for repeat tasks.  (cards, recipes, emails, etc.) 
4. Create and maintain schedule boundaries.  (tell others you can’t right now or call them later.)  Others’ crises are not our crises.

 

1.  Shopping:  Start with a list of what you want to buy (I prefer the phone over paper since it is always with me).  For instance, Jen- Starbucks card, Diane, Clothes from Boston Proper, Dave- Amazon card or button up shirt, Garrett- Amazon Gift card, birthday-clothes since it’s also his birthday, etc.  You can star items once you get them, or change them if you change your mind.  A few in my family make wish-lists, so I try to make mine the weekend after Thanksgiving to give them time to shop.  Try to get online purchases done  the first week of December since even rush orders can be late.  
2. Self Care:  Stay positive. Am I overlooking my needs for everyone else?  Am I exercising?  Am I getting the sleep I need?  Am I eating too much junk just to be nice?  Am I making food that people love, or just me?  (it’s OK if you want to eat it, but you want to be clear about who it’s really for.) Am I in a rut due to easy patterns (ex:  Netflix)? Am I meeting my spiritual needs/desires?  (i.e. going to certain Christmas services to renew).   Don’t wait too late to shop and then you have no time for fun.  
3. What brings you joy?  (This is part of self care too!).  Listen to Christmas music, light candles, go see the lights, decorate the house, decorate or make cookies if this lifts you up.  If not, let others do it!  There is only so much time until the season is over.  Make sure to use the time well.  Once the season is over, you don’t want to regret missing the important occasions or be too stressed to really enjoy it.  One thing that really gets me in the mood is a good choral performance; shopping hardly ever does!!  

** Enjoy the chaos; feel the love!!